Bespoke, humorous rhymes to order. For that special gift that requires something extremely personal and unique.
The year was 1950 on a cold November day
Up in heaven god was telling all the angels there to pray.
He had been out the previous night with Joseph, mark and Paul
And now he hadn’t stocked the shelves, his head was rather sore.
An order from below arrived with ‘Waters’ on the card,
“Macrina is the name” God said (all holy names were barred).
He searched inside his cupboards for the makings of a boy,
But girls were all that he had left – some spirit he’d employ.
A bottle labelled ‘optimist’ he poured into the mix,
Some kindness and excitement also added to the list.
It was this stage he had to rest, hangover in full force,
And accidentally knocked right in a bottle marked ‘divorce’.
“Oh dear” God said “I’d better add forgiveness in with that,
And second husband” what was left? ‘Good soul but slightly fat’.
“She’ll change him from a bachelor with love she’ll give him strife,
He’ll fart and drink, she’ll nag and cook and one day save his life!”
He found a laugh inside the drawer with ‘loud’ upon the pack,
He’d close run out of ‘memory’ and ‘order’ – not a scrap!
“And now for children!” that was next- again just girls were left,
A pinch of mischief, bags of joy and complicated stress!
So down the chute Macrina went, her life about to start,
“I need a drink now after that” said God and grabbed a glass.
He poured himself a good strong Gin and sipped it on a cloud,
And watched the Waters family – he’d never been so proud!
We are so bless to have you with us on your christening day,
But as you grow there are a few things that we’d like to say..
Be gentle with our furry friends, forgive their licks and nibblings,
Be assured they’re just our pets and not your ugly sibblings.
When you wake with nightmares and your daddy isn’t there –
Keep your cool, don’t fret or cry he’s only on a fare.
Don’t be confused when mummy’s crying watching your school play,
Its just a gene inherited and you’ll have it one day.
Be prepared to go bright red because we’re just not cool,
When mummy’s twitching here and there and daddy acts the fool.
Come the day when boys are calling, careful whom you pick.
Just know that daddy’s ready with his shoes and pointy stick.
When you’re 16 please don’t run off and wed some random feller
Or get so drunk you come home wearing only an umbrella.
And on that note I might suggest you look to fields’ afar,
For role models on alcohol and not your ma and pa..
Learn that funerals aren’t the same as family celebrations
To sidestep writing sorry notes for your inebriation.
When you go drinking don’t walk home and put yourself at risk,
Cut a deal – I hear they’re cheap at 33 22 66.
If you loose your bearings when you’re dancing in a field,
Chances are you’ve had enough give brain cells chance to heal.
That’s enough just take good care through happiness and strife.
Know we love you, chase your dreams, be bold and live your life.
Things were tense some years ago in Irish MI5,
(A group so secret no one knows that they’re in fact alive!)
The head commander rubbed his head and looked upon his team
“We need them now!” he told them all “the best we’ve ever seen!”
An agent was in great demand with whom they could rely
One that no one could predict – they’d fool suspicious eyes.
“How about a woman!” said one guy “with patients found!
With children maybe four of them, a husband and a hound.”
“We need a girl that’s pure and kind to fool all known to her,
She must be gentle, generous with lovely blondie hair.
If she was honest all the better – no one would have guessed
She was the next female James Bond with more time being dressed!”
They searched the country for that mold then orders from above -
They’d found the perfect candidate that fit it like a glove.
“Her name is Marie Jordan! She’s the one we’re looking for
She’s loved by all that meet her with a face that you’d adore!
In person she’s a lady to her friends and family clan
She cooks a dinner much desired by all her eager fans.
She’s always there to help you out of that you can be certain
She never moans when others would be hiding in the curtain!
Her hubby could be useful as he’s kind of ‘in the know’
We’ll use him as the front of house for business - not for show.
We’ll tell them start a company, that’s best for those who note
A taxi would be perfect with a fair and friendly quote.
She needs some stories for her time that won’t take much to sell –
Some foot op’s and some trips to Spain should both go down quite well.
We’ll keep the secret business in the house at first to train
Then when she’s stronger ‘curves’ will do and crosswords for her brain.”
Some time later all was done, the girl was on the books
On secret missions here and there, escaping outside looks.
She’s quite an expert - non would know that she’s a secret spy
She acts ‘all flustered’ very well when pressure might apply.
So if you meet her don’t be fooled she has you taken in –
She’s actually a ninja with a side-line fighting sin.
She is a wonder woman with a heart she couldn’t hide
So if you see her smile and just be glad she’s on our side!
If you are a tourist or a visitor in fact to the Solihull region of late,
I really must warn you and make you aware of the Grandma you might meet by fate.
She comes with no warning as authorities can’t confine her to one single place,
They cannot control whom she meets and especially the words that are said to their face.
Her tongue is well know (and especially with wine) to be loose with no caution or nerves,
The wounded and weak don’t last very long after grandmas opinions are served.
Her age is the key to defending her ways, as she’s 90 and using it well –
“I’ll say what I want for I’m grandma, I’m old, can anyone stop me? Like hell!”
So how will you know her? She’s hard to describe, as on meeting she looks sweet and mild,
But under disguise lies the mischief and boldness that comes from that of a child.
She’s sighted on dance floors and bumper car rides, there’s nowhere that grandma won’t go,
She’s driven down manholes, buggy n’ all - yet no signs of her starting to slow.
She’s taken down flower shops – bulldozed them flat – you can never mistake she’s arrived.
Her car driving days have no better report – the poor man she reversed on survived.
Her eyesight is fading well that much is true, but some things are just hard to put right -
She drove off to the shop, left her trousers at home – all at Morrison’s got such a fright!
Now if you meet grandma I’m sure she will say ‘I’ll be pushing the daisies up soon”.
Please don’t be fooled she’s been saying that for years and the daisies say there is no room.
So now you’ve been warned keep your whits by your side, as her movements - we just can’t be sure.
At a party she’s the one saying “I’ve only had two” but in fact it’s considerably more.
You’re probably wondering how and just why such a grandma is still on the loose? The fact is she’s loved and adored far and wide and we can’t stop her ruling the roost!!!